Things I can dedicate my life to once I’m retired

A tongue in cheek list of ideas I have for things I could do when I retire:

  • Develop a drug habit
  • Adopt a permanent pants-free lifestyle
  • Start wearing suspenders
  • Have enough time to figure out how to lick my own elbows
  • Garden
  • Paint the town… blue
  • Adopt a dolphin
  • Stand at Cape Agulhas
  • Make really good cheese
  • Meet someone who makes really good cheese
  • Gets hands on regular supply of really good cheese regardless of the consequences
  • Build a home where everything tilts 30 degrees to the right for no good reason
  • Meet a North Korean person
  • Become a swashbuckling lifestyle consultant
  • Spend some amount of time speaking only in questions
  • Volunteer my days away with adorable old people
  • Get scuba certified
  • Bike the Hiawatha Trail in Idaho
  • Attend a death metal concert dressed in full on Victorian dress and try to make a friend
  • Get an Old English Sheepdog puppy
  • Seek therapy
  • Volunteer on a farm
  • Sleep under the northern lights
  • Dedicate an inordinate amount of time to making an absurdly impractical piece of art
  • Take a carpentry class
  • Read outrageously inappropriate books on public transportation
  • Go Amish
  • Do a Baywatch style run on a beach
  • Commit a serious enough crime to warrant arrest, but not serious enough to do actual time
  • Washboard abs
  • Track down that boy from preschool who kissed me and then kicked me and cried
  • Settle grudge with said boy
  • Found, contribute to, or perpetuate a conspiracy at the national level
  • Ballerina vagrant… Still need to flesh out this idea, but all the pieces are there
  • Create Justin Bieber station on Pandora, and commit to it for some amount of time
  • Bring back scrunchies.  Make them spontaneously combustible.
  • Improve my French
  • Amass the world’s largest collection of uvulas
  • Carve out a life as a speed traffic camera vigilante
  • Allow my mom and dad to dress me for a week
  • Run for office
  • Swim with sharks (lol jk that’s silly)
  • Take a mythology course
  • Lobby for the rights of parents to divorce their children
  • Make lists
  • Figure out a way to stop forgetting how to walk down the stairs mid walking down the stairs
  • Command an army of fellow callipygian admirers
  • Calculator panties
  • Start line of piñatas themed after things you smash (patriarchy, bugs, etc)
  • Finally get into The Wire
  • Be an extra on some movie
  • Sit through an entire conversation with a raging misogynist and force myself to find some common ground
  • Learn to spell misogynist without having to google if it’s mi or my
  • Take care of my parents
  • Live and travel in a van for a while
  • See if it is possible to grow one’s leg hair enough for it to be braided
  • Learn to draw

To be (ir)regularly updated as creativity and whim strike…

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